we are not truly immortal

[dark_light]

After Glass's party is over with, Amariah and Kas go home.

Amariah fetches down their alethiometers.

"It's about time I took care of Alethia's afterlife, whatever it may be," she says quietly. "What can the alethiometer tell you about what I'll find?"

Comments

[sicaria]

Sherlock's gyrfalcon runs his beak through Shell Bell's hair.

"Explain?" he says softly.

[arenaria]

The smew gazes up adoringly at the gyrfalcon and snuggles up to the nearest available Sherlock-skin.

"I'm - I think this is a template thing but I don't know how strongly - I'm so very wrapped up in what I want. All the time. It's just everyone else's luck that a lot of things I want have to do with them, and that most of the things I want that have to do with other people are nice things. And that was harpy-ammunition and I felt bad about being selfish and I was trying to do something else and I couldn't figure out how, and I'm not sure if that's good."

[sicaria]

"Something else?" prompts Sherlock.

[arenaria]

"Besides thinking about what I want all the time. I know you don't, at least not the way I do. I couldn't translate myself into that - mental language, though. About the closest I managed was feeling bad about everything I liked so I would want it less. I couldn't even make sense of wanting to do things for you without that being about me wanting it first."

[sicaria]

"...you could say that I prioritize others before myself because it is what I want to do," Sherlock says thoughtfully.

[arenaria]

"You could say that. But the - order of priority is different. My wanting to do nice things for other people fights it out on a level playing field with wanting ice cream; I mean, they're rarely incompatible and the first one's usually stronger but they're not different kinds of things on the immediate level. I don't think I would say that about you."

[sicaria]

"Ah. No," says Sherlock. "That's true."

[arenaria]

"And then wanting things felt awful and I couldn't figure out what else to do except cry and try to escape from anything that might make it stop, because if it stopped I would go back to unabashedly wanting things, and that would make me a horrible person."

[sicaria]

"That was unpleasant," says Sherlock.

[arenaria]

"Yes. In a way it helped when you held my daemon but it was also really confusing."

[sicaria]

"How?"

[arenaria]

"I couldn't tell myself you were lying. You weren't saying anything. But the harpy was still winning. So I had something in my head that I couldn't explain or dismiss - and it was a nice thing but under the circumstances that wasn't less confusing than a bad thing would've been."

[sicaria]

"Hm."

[arenaria]

Snuggle.

"What?"

[sicaria]

"I don't know. There is nothing here I can solve. I don't think it would improve matters any if you began thinking like I do."

[arenaria]

"Nnno. Probably not."

[sicaria]

She shrugs.

[arenaria]

"It's interesting that I couldn't do it even when I was motivated to, though."

[sicaria]

"Interesting how?"

[arenaria]

"If you'd asked me before if I could change it if I really, really wanted to I would've thought I probably could. Maybe I need better reasons than feeling horrible and selfish, though, not just the plain want."

[sicaria]

"...I cannot imagine what sort of reason that might be."

[arenaria]

"I don't know either or I bet the harpy would've made me think of it."

[sicaria]

...Sherlock kisses her forehead.

[arenaria]

Snuggles.

[sicaria]

Yes. Those.

Snuggles and hair-preening.